29.

It was twenty-nine years ago that I, in all my messy glory, emerged from my mother's birth canal. What a glorious day it was! My poor mother had not only been laborously walking the halls for 24 hours, I also decided to stay in my cozy little sack for two extra weeks. No thank you. (To my future children, that will not be happening. Don't get too overly comfy in there...that is if I'm still able to bare children at the ripe old age of 65 when I'll probably, finally get married.)

I was thinking about this birthday. The last year in my 20's...Honestly, I thought I would be married with at least two kids by now. I was feeling depressed about the fact that the one goal I have has not been reached. Instead of sitting around and wallowing in things that I cannot change, I decided to think about the things that I have done in my 20's. So here it is folks...In no particular order, 29 things from my 20's!!

1.) I spent my 20th birthday on a flight over to France. It was the shortest birthday EVER, but quite possibly the coolest.
2.) I graduated college.
3.) I went on a trip to Africa.
4.) I got a tatoo.
5.) I had my first serious relationship.
6.) I took a trip to Italy with my grandma.
7.) I moved into Portland.
8.) I paid off $13,500 in debt in a year.
9.) I bought a car.
10.)I went to Paris with my best friend Erica and my parents.
11.)I became a young life leader.
12.)I lost friendships.
13.)I became a little obsessed with clothes, specifically boots.
14.)I fell in love with art.
15.)I bought a dog, had a bit of an anxiety attack and sold it two days later.
16.)I began my job as a nanny.
17.)I went to Italy with the family I nanny for.
18.)I became an auntie...three times.
19.)I gained some life changing friendships.
20.)I went to Slovenia on a mission trip.
21.)I got my heart broken.
22.)I became addicted to coffee.
23.)I was in nine weddings.
24.)I had my first drink.
25.)I went to Prague.
26.)My type-A, ocd kicked into full force.
27.)I fell in love with NYC.
28.)I fell in love.
29.)I learned that no matter what I do, God still desires to have a relationship with me. He loves me, unabashedly. He waits for me. He pursues me, relentlessly. I learned that I am broken, but God still chooses to use me. He is the only one who has always been there and always will be. He is the one who has saved me, the one I boast in, the one I live for. And most definitely the one I love.

I think that 30 will come too soon. I have a pretty good feeling that despite my dreams of being married and having a family by the time I'm 30 won't happen. (Well, technically the dream was for it to happen by 25...Not so much.) I'm really going to try to be okay with that. God has blessed me in so many ways and I need to focus on that. So that's my new goal, count the blessings, not the frustrations. Here's to 29!

full.spectrum

Right now, in this moment, I am defeated. My emotions have been all over the map today, going from one extreme to the other.

This afternoon I had a young life banquet in which one of my campaigner girls was able to share her testimony. Emma is super shy, yet she rose to the challenge of standing up in front of over a hundred people to share how the ministry of young life has changed her. As I listened to her, my eyes filled with tears. I was so moved by her words and was feeling unbelievably blessed to have had the priviledge to be a part of her story. I am still amazed that God chooses to use me, as busted as they come, to impact the lives of others. It was so encouraging and reassured me that God has me where I am for a reason.

Shortly after the banquet I had a conversation that was discouraging and instantly filled me with stressful frustration. On one hand, I am able to build relationships with girls who desire to not only be in relationship with me, but also desire to deepen their relationships with Christ. Yet at the same time, there are others who say one thing and do another. It is so defeating to pour yourself into someone, to pursue and pray for them, only to have them shut down and walk away. I am left feeling overwhelmed and stressed. My heart physically aches.

Every year I ask myself if I still want to be a young life leader. Thus far, I have always answered yes. I wish that every relationship that I am able to build looked like Emma's, yet that doesn't happen. All in all, God calls us to be faithful and obedient. He calls us to trust him and that is what I am clumsily trying to do. On days like today, the only thing that gives me hope is knowing that he is in control and I am able to rest in that.