full.spectrum

Right now, in this moment, I am defeated. My emotions have been all over the map today, going from one extreme to the other.

This afternoon I had a young life banquet in which one of my campaigner girls was able to share her testimony. Emma is super shy, yet she rose to the challenge of standing up in front of over a hundred people to share how the ministry of young life has changed her. As I listened to her, my eyes filled with tears. I was so moved by her words and was feeling unbelievably blessed to have had the priviledge to be a part of her story. I am still amazed that God chooses to use me, as busted as they come, to impact the lives of others. It was so encouraging and reassured me that God has me where I am for a reason.

Shortly after the banquet I had a conversation that was discouraging and instantly filled me with stressful frustration. On one hand, I am able to build relationships with girls who desire to not only be in relationship with me, but also desire to deepen their relationships with Christ. Yet at the same time, there are others who say one thing and do another. It is so defeating to pour yourself into someone, to pursue and pray for them, only to have them shut down and walk away. I am left feeling overwhelmed and stressed. My heart physically aches.

Every year I ask myself if I still want to be a young life leader. Thus far, I have always answered yes. I wish that every relationship that I am able to build looked like Emma's, yet that doesn't happen. All in all, God calls us to be faithful and obedient. He calls us to trust him and that is what I am clumsily trying to do. On days like today, the only thing that gives me hope is knowing that he is in control and I am able to rest in that.

dreams.

Back in January I went to a weekend leadership retreat for young life. We spent the nice and cozy weekend at a house in Maupin, relishing in the beautiful views, good company, uplifting fellowship and times of reflection. One of the sessions was focused on our dreams, not the dreams that visit you in your sleep, rather the ones that you desire to accomplish. We were told that we had to write down at least twenty in the 9 minutes we were given, and both possible and impossible dreams should be featured. For the first few minutes I just sat there. Twenty dreams??! That seemed impossible. Yet as I allowed myself to think outside of my realistic box, I was able to jot down a few. The first one that came to mind and seemed to be something I could accomplish was this: write and publish a children's book.

I have always loved to write. I remember restarting up the school newspaper in middle school and being so excited to write stories. In high school, my journalism teacher sent in a few of my articles to contests and a couple of them won awards. My first job at OSU was as a writing assistant in the writing center. Writing papers at Multnomah was one of my favorite things; the longer the better!

After I graduated college, one of the jobs I had was at a preschool. I remember reading a book to the kids and thinking, "I can do WAY better than this! I should write children's books..." And I did. To date, I have written four. They are all sitting very nicely on my computer. I don't know where to go from here. Because I am a realist, I don't believe that anything will ever happen with it. But what if, for a moment, I make the choice to allow my dream to float out of my box and come true...Maybe I'll be forced to dream more often.

Worth a thousand words

I remember back to when I was in high school and FINALLY got my own room. I had shared a room with 1-3 of my siblings until I was a sophomore in high school, and beleive me, the day I moved m stuff into the next room was highly anticipated!! I decided that it would be a good idea to basically wallpaper one of the walls with pictures. And with a little tape, my picture wall was a reality. I loved it, no matter how unorganized and unclassy it looked.

Photography has always intrigued me. I am mesmerized by the ability to catch little moments, capture them and create them to be something that doesn't just pass. I admire those who can look at an ordinary scene and make it something unique and beautiful. One of my dreams in life is to take a photography class. It sounds simple, but it is something that I have yet to do. I do enjoy taking pictures, but I would like to perfect my amateur hobby.

Yesterday, I had the day off of work. I asked Erica, Stacy and the girls to come downtown for lunch and a photo session. I was able to capture some cool moments and am so thankful that I was able to spend the day doing this. Here are some of my favorite shots:

just.me

For some reason, starting a blog post is always the hardest part for me. I often feel like I have more than enough to say, but sitting in front of a blank screen and trying to get out what is jumbled in my head can be so very daunting. The lights are off, the heater in on, my thoughts are reeling and the tv is droning in the background. Here I sit...

It's obviously been awhile since I last put in the effort to blog. I feel as though my life is rather insignificant. I go through many of my days on autopilot, thankfully bored by the uneventful things that take place. It doesn't seem to be an enthralling read to me.

All in all, I decided to refresh my blog with a new look and write about things other than my day to day life. I would love to share my dreams, the things I love, the things I'm passionate about. I desire to be transparent and authentic. Over these past couple of months, I have realized that I want to be free to be me. I have always known that God made me uniquely, yet at the same time I have desperately tried to be the person that I want others to see me as. That is exhausting.

In January I had the opportunity to attend my mom's cousin's funeral. Jenni died of cancer. She fought long and hard, leaving behind four devestated children and an even more heart broken husband. I didn't personally know her that well, but tears streamed steadily from my eyes throughout the service. Jenni knew who she was, embraced it and made no apologies for it. She was full of life and used every opportunity that God gave her.

That is how I want to be. I may be introverted and enjoy spending time alone, but I want to touch people's lives. I may love to shop and have the clothes to prove it, but I want to be generous with my money. I may work long days and spent most of them exhausted, but I want to be somebody that is there for people no matter what. I may be broken, but God uses those who have nothing to give. And I'm not making any apologies for it.

So, here it is. Just me...

I got...

I got a tattoo. My mother was mortified, which I wasn't shocked about. I'd been thinking about it for about a year and on a somewhat thought out whim, which I understand is an oxymoron but still makes sense, I did it. I decided to get the word "unabashedly" because to me it represents the way that God loves me; no holding back, no resrvations, without fear.


On just as an exciting note, I also got a new camera. A nice camera. A Nikon DX 3000 to be exact and I L-O-V-E it! The pictures that it takes are amazing. Here is a sampling for your enjoyment!

Have you still no faith?

"And a great windstorm arose and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he (Jesus) was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who is this that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4:37-41 ESV

Have you still no faith... I so desperately wish that my reaction to this situation would be different than that of the disciples. I often find myself getting frustrated with the disciples or others when I read my Bible because they just didn't get it. You're with JESUS!! Seriously, get it together! Yet today as I was reading in Mark, this story, one which I've read a million times, stopped me in my tracks. I placed myself on that vulnerable and rickety boat, my lungs gasping in the salty air as waves invaded my inner sanctuary, my world being shaken to its core while Jesus slept, and I realized something. I would have reacted the exact same way. Have you still NO FAITH? No, I guess I don't.

I remember taking a class at Multnomah in which we did a semester on the book of Jonah. I knew the story, but I had never taken the time to really study it. Let me tell you, about three weeks in I decided that I had a substantial amount of disdain for him. I was actually angry with him. What was up with his running away from God, deciding his way was better and then yelling at God in the end because God was merciful when Jonah didn't think he should have been? Seriously Jonah?? Who do you think you are? But then week four came and it all clicked--regretfully I was Jonah. Have you still no faith?

Jonah experienced God speaking to him. Actually SPEAKING to him. Yet he ran. The disciples walked with Jesus. They lived life together. They claimed to know him. Yet in the moments of the storm they forgot who he was. Today as I was reading this I didn't get frustrated with them because I got it. No matter how time passes and no matter how God shows up in your life, we are all still human. We forget who God is and allow fear to overtake us. We decide that our way is better. We cry out in desperation, only to have God answer us, "Have you still no faith?"

One of my favorite things about God is that he doesn't change. Every box that I try to fit him in is shattered by who he really is. And when he asks me the question, "Have you still no faith?" I watch in awe as he rebukes the wind and the sea. I realize that at times I will panic in the midst of a storm, and there will probably be times when I won't be as impressed when he calms my storms. But today, in this moment, I feel relieved that the discples were scared because often times I am too, and I feel humbled to know that time after time Jesus will calm the seas and restore my faith in him.

simply.beautiful